Having grown up on a farm in Northern Alberta and moved to the mountains I have always been the girl ‘catching up’ or at least ‘keeping up’ with others in the mountains. Every season I seem to pick up new gear and push bigger objectives, always coming out the other side stoked to have learned more and pushed my physical limits. I was expecting the same when some friends asked me to start mountaineering this summer (essentially long days hiking paired with some ‘easy’, rope-less climbing). Instead of the regular adrenaline paired with the stoke I usually have in the mountains, I’ve found myself spending hours nervous, curbing anxiety attacks, questioning my ability, and wondering if I belong up high.

All these feelings came as a surprise to me! The regular Kaitlin thrives on adventure and likes to push limits so why is it different this time? I have spent a lot of time asking myself this question during the past month and I think it all comes down to my mental health. As mountain folks, we spend a lot of time judging our physical fitness, whether that be pushing for 2000+ meters of vert in the winter or mountain biking 30+ km in the summer. This was the first time I felt my fitness was not the barrier. I have the climbing skills, the endurance for approaches, knowledge, and partners to move through the mountains while completing these missions safely.

So as the perfectionist I am, I started to get frustrated by these new feelings and talk myself and my ability down:

Maybe you don’t belong here. Maybe you don’t belong in the mountains you have come to love, the place that has brought you so much joy and peace. The place you are happy to call home. The thought about not belonging at home was heartbreaking. I have come to discover this is a really negative path to go down and one that leaves you feeling unmotivated to get outside and do what you love.

I am no expert on mental health. I will never declare to have black and white answers for how people react in the backcountry. However, I believe as mountain dwellers, striving for high objectives, pushing boundaries and thriving on adrenaline we tend to set the bar high and judge our progress harshly. It is so easy to compare yourself to someone you know who moves faster, has more experience, and does not feel the pressure of exposure (aka. one wrong move could be fatal). Not just the people we know but also those we look up to on social media; posting crazy summit photos with huge smiles and going out 3-4 times a week.

All this said, I believe we should be kind to each other and ourselves. Keep your thoughts positive and know that every person has their own learning curve… especially when it comes to dealing with exposure.

Play within your ability, choose mountain partners who encourage you, and above all else, have fun. Remember why you are here in the first place.

If you have made it to the end of this article, thank you. Thanks for reading my thoughts! I feel we often put up an image of our best self. We neglect to talk about the struggles along the way. Hopefully, some of you will relate! If you would like to talk or share your thoughts, feel free to contact me through my instagram.

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